My b/f and I. The same man i have been with for 2 weeks to a year, has just been lead into the light of a girl whom has lied and died in soul all just for him. To hide the truth from the man she had finally after so long come to love. Now as we hung up the phone on a conversation that could be our last my soul, my spirt dies so fully that I never knew that there was this much left of it to be killed.

I love him with all my heart, and now as my body shakes scared of the horrid outcome that may come to be over my own foolishness I ask myself if I would ever be able to come to terms of loving another man. Right now my answer is no. He had given me back the heart that was crushed by another man a year before I met him. Just as that last peice was being placed back its like the glue of love holding it together had melted all away and the peices fell scattered farther then I can reach.

I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit and i keep reaching for his hand, anyones hand but no matter what others do it's as if his hand is the only one that I'm capable of grasping. Hes taken a hold of me, through body and spirit and I was the one that finally and willingly gave them to him, knowing that he had the purest of hand to hold them safe. Now those hands have turned over dumping all to the cold floor in disgust. I just wish I could go back and correct all the mistakes that I regret beacuse of him.

I'm not perfect, I never will be. And there are just so many things I regret and just wish now that I had never done then. And I now know that of all people I never ment to do any of this to him. But he's the reason, the reason I've come so far and tried so hard to come out of that girl I used to be. Violent, insecure, foolish. I'm still foolish, and I do have my insecure days, and I still have a violent streak in me but thanks to him a lot of that has faded and I've come to see that the best thing in my life, something i had been overlooking, testing myself to see what I could find to be better, was right in front of me this whole time. And as I had recently come to terms with that I finally woke up and realized that I'll never find better, no matter how hard I try or how far I look. Now maybe I'm crazy but it's love and I can feel it deep down inside me.

Keenan I love you! I forever will.